Character Interview: Triss and Shani

After uttering torrents of swear words towards Geralt, trying to convince him to take her back home, discovering that handling a sword is not an easy job and that wyvern meat actually tastes like roasted chicken, the swamp trip was cut short - much to Didi's relief - due to a graveir breakout in Vizima that required the Witcher's full attention.

Safely (aside from some bruises and scratches) back in the comfort of dry land and at home, Didi resumed her normal activities. Until...

(loud crash and sounds of thunder)

Didi: Crap, another storm? Guess I'll turn all the stuff off...

(weird rumbling sound)

Didi: That doesn't sound like thunder... (looks out the window too see a pile of rocks floating in the air in the backyard) What the hell?

(Didi runs outside just in time to see the rocks form an archway, through which comes Geralt running, bumping into her)

Didi: Dude!

Geralt (catching his breath): Shh! There's no time for complaining! I need a place to hide.

Didi: You've got to be kidding me...

Geralt: Please?

Didi: You hit me on the head, drug me, take me to the evil swamp from hell, and now expect me to just help?

(the rocks start rumbling again, little lightning bolts shooting out)

Geralt: They're coming... (hides in the garden shed) You didn't see me.

Didi: Wait! Who... huh... wtf?

(someone comes through the archway at an insane speed and lands on Didi)

Didi: OW!

Red-haired girl (getting up): Oh, I'm so sorry... I'm still not used to this portal thing... Hi, I'm Shani, I'm looking for a witcher... have you seen one pass through here?

Didi (looks at the shed to see one finger gesturing "no"): Uhh... I'm not sure. I haven't been out here all day. Could you describe him for me?

Shani: He's (gestures with hand) about this tall, has white long hair, cat-like eyes... A nice ass... Oh, and carries a sword on his back. Have you seen him?

Didi (peeks at the shed, again a finger frantically gestures no): Nope, I'd remember a nice ass if I saw one... (snorts and tries not to laugh)

Shani: Well if you do, please let me know. (looks around) What a strange place... Where am I?

Didi: Canada.

Shani: It sure is cold...

Didi: Would you like to come in for some tea?

Shani: That would be lovely, thank you.

(as they start walking towards the house, there's yet another bang and a loud roaring sound)

Didi (stepping back from the portal): Watch yourself... someone else must be coming through, I guess.

(the rocks don't budge)

Shani: That's odd...

(there's a flash of lighting and a circle of colorful bright lights appears above them; someone lands on Shani)

Shani: OUCH!

Red-haired girl (looking at Didi): Excuse me, have you seen...

Shani: Please move...

Red-haired girl (getting up)... a witcher pass by?

Didi (giggling): This witcher guy sure is popular... But no, I haven't.

Red-haired girl: Oh, how rude of me, I didn't introduce myself. I'm Triss, sorceress extraordinaire.

Shani: And a total slut.

Triss (grabbing at Shani's hair): Why, you little...

Didi (placing herself between the two): Ladies, please. It's freezing out here, and you both seem... extremely underdressed. You're welcome to come in for a while. I just finished baking a cake, I'll make some tea.

(as they pass by the shed, there's a tug on Didi's coat)

Geralt (whispering): Psst... can I have cake?

Didi (whispering): No! And I don't know what you got yourself into now, but I'm sure going to find out!

(inside, all three sit around the coffee table with their slices of cake and sipping tea)

Didi: So, one of you care to explain what this chase is all about anyway?

Shani and Triss (pointing at each other): That bitch stole my boyfriend!

Triss: How dare you, you with all the sweet talking and that whole "for Alvin's sake" speech... no one's buying it. Except for him, apparently. Geralt's such an idiot sometimes.

Shani: Why, you rotting witch... I should have guessed, you put a charm on him didn't you?

Triss: I don't need love spells or potions, my looks suffise. Unlike yours...

(a saucer zooms by Didi's head)

Didi (catching it just it time before it hits the wall): HEY! That's my tea set! No flinging porcelain around!

Shani: Oh pardon me, that was meant for her.

Triss: Honestly, what would he see in you anyway? You obviously have no manners, you wild... (contains herself) beast.

Didi: Would someone care to explain what's going on then?

Shani and Triss (simultaneously): I found out he was sleeping with her!

Didi (shrugging and raising an eyebrow): ...and what else is new...

Shani: You knew too?

Didi: I mean... I've heard rumors. (tries hard not to laugh) Damn those lustful witcher guys.

Triss: You're hiding something!

Didi (amused): I am?

Triss: You know him!

Didi (giggling): Really?

Triss: Stop answering with questions!

Shani: Yeah! Answer with... (thinks for a second) answers!

Triss (to Shani): Merciful Melitele, girl, you really are stupid.

Shani (offended) : Well excuse me, miss priss, for not going to fancy wizardry schools like you did...

Didi: Ok, you two need to get along and get your facts straight... Why don't we talk it over like civilized people?

(Triss and Shani sit on opposite sides, staring furiously at each other)

Didi: Good. So when did you realize he was cheating on you?

Shani: He disappeared a while back, said he was going for an interview...

Triss: Yes, he said that to me too. I asked Dandelion about it, he had no idea where he was going. Then Geralt comes back all flustered about hell knows what from hell knows where, and then eventually disappears again. With Dandelion.

Shani: What she said.

Didi: That's it? But don't witchers normally disappear for periods of time now and then?

Shani: True.

Didi: So how is this different?

Triss (rolls eyes): With DANDELION!!

Shani (turns to Triss, looking very shocked): What are you saying?

Triss (makes a quirky flamboyant hand gesture): You know...

(Didi snorts and chokes on her tea)

Triss: Are you alright?

(Didi tries to speak, but only manages a mix of laughs and violent coughing)

Shani: Goodness, I think she needs a medic...

(Triss gives Shani a fulminating look)

Shani (oblivious): What?

Triss: You're a medic!

Didi (catching her breath again): I'm fine... really. (coughs) Tea went the wrong way. (clears her throat) So... you girls really think he's... (snorts again, but maintains her composure) gay?

(sounds of dishes breaking in the kitchen)

Didi (in a hurry): That must be my cats... I'll be right back.

(Didi goes to the kitchen, where Geralt had been eating the rest of the cake and listening in on the conversation, eventually dropping the plate once he heard the shocking revelation)

Didi (whispering): You have some weird girlfriends there...

Geralt (whispering, mouth full of cake): They're not my girlfriends. They just like to boss me around.

Didi: Oh... well then. What am I supposed to say to these two... non-girlfriends then?

Geralt (still chewing): Just make something up, anything, I don't care. Except for the gay thing. By the way, this is delicious. (has another huge bite of cake)

(Didi rolls eyes, shakes her head and goes back to the other room)

Didi: Sorry about that. Three cats are a handful. Anyway, if you really think he's gay, then you should know he's cheated on you (points at both) with a lot more than just each other.

(The two look completely shocked)

Didi: Oh yeah. How you never figured out, I don't know. You know that Vesna girl from the country inn? Did her.

Shani: The slut! But she lays with any traveler anyway, that hardly counts as cheating.

Didi: Fair enough. Ok, let me see... One of the peasant women in the outskirts, the witch Abigail, that annoying gossip chick in Vizima that won't shut up about him, at least one of Carmen's prostitutes... That blue eyed girl and the courtesans, even the one they call Queen of the Night, some of the noble women, the town clerks...

Triss: Are you serious??

Didi: I'm dead serious. And there's more. Let's see...

Shani (covers her ears): I can't listen to this anymore...

Didi (a little louder, on purpose, so Shani can hear her): A dryad too I believe, and that Rosalind girl that Dandelion was after, some starving elf woman, even Adda. And I'm not done...

Triss: Please... That's quite enough. It figures... I'm sure he has no problems sleeping around, seeing as he's infertile anyway.

Shani: So why the whole going away with Dandelion thing if he's not gay?

Didi: Actually, that time they came here for a visit. And the interview really was an interview. Or a frustrated attempt at one.

Shani: So... you mean... he's sleeping with you too?

Didi: Oh, no! Good heavens, no!

Shani (extremely surprised): Oh.

Didi: (offended) Why would you even think I... (sighs) Forget it. I don't want to know. You know what, you should just get even. No one is to say you can't have fun too, so get out there and find some other guy.

Triss (ponders for a moment): Hmm... I think you're right.

Shani (whispering to Triss, points at the bookshelf): How about that one?

(Didi looks to see what she's pointing at, but Triss gets in the way)

Triss: He's cute... Alright, lets go see if we can find him them. And whoever else, I guess. (reaches out for Shani's hand) Deal?

Shani (shaking Triss' hand): Deal.

Triss: Ok then, thanks so much for your help. (starts walking backwards towards the door as if hiding something) We won't bother you again. (leaves in a hurry, Shani rushing behind her)

(Didi finally looks at the shelf, realizes something is missing and rushes through the kitchen, nearly knocking down Geralt who was coming out of his hideout, chewing on the last slice of cake)

Geralt: How did it go?

(shoves him aside and runs outside to see Triss step through a summoned magic portal with Shani)

Didi: Hey... HEY! That's my husband's photo! You bitches! Get back here!

(the girls and the magic shiny portal vanish into thin air)

Didi: Well, crap...

Geralt (runs outside to meet her): What's going on?

Didi: They're after my husband!

Geralt (visibly surprised): You're married??

Didi: Oh shut up. This is all your fault... now go save my husband!

Geralt: Is this a quest?

Didi: Quest? Uh... sure, yeah, quest. (nudges him towards the rock archway): Off you go!

Geralt: Alright. I'll be back for my reward then. (winks at Didi and steps through the archway)

Didi (has a flashback of the game cards and panics): Reward?! Ah, crap...